CHRISTIAN COUNSELING BASICS

God created us for the purpose of relationships and sent His Son to show us the way. At “Counseling THE Way Forward,” I share basic Christian concepts and work with you to understand these concepts in the confidence they will help you nurture healthy relationships and restore your health.

Truth leads to LIFE, but we are easily deceived. I will help you identify the lies that are interfering with your health and healthy relationships so you can replace them with the truth.

Examples:

  • LIE – My value is directly related to what I do.
  • TRUTH – My value is directly related to who I am – God’s precious child. A child that God loves (adores, treasures, enjoys) so much that He sent His Son to save me.
  • LIE – If my spouse loved me, my spouse would have done what I asked.
  • TRUTH – My spouse’s perspective is not the same as mine. I could try communicating more effectively.
  • LIE – I cannot be happy unless I have what I want.
  • TRUTH – My happiness depends on my attitude, not my situation.
  • LIE – I have no control over my life.
  • TRUTH – I have complete control over the condition of my heart, mind, and soul – who I become and how I approach life.
  • LIE – God is disappointed (or angry) with me.
  • TRUTH – God understands why you made that poor choice, and although He is sad about the pain that choice will cause you and His world, He loves you unconditionally and is always available to help.

One lie that makes life particularly difficult is thinking you “should” do something instead of realizing you “want” to do it. If you “want” to do something, you do it well and with joy. If you “should” do something, you don’t do it nearly as well, and you don’t enjoy doing it.

If you are doing something you “should” do, then it is obviously better for you (and your relationships), so why don’t you “want” to do it? And if it’s not better for you (and your relationships), then why do you think you should do it? What lie are you believing?

Another lie that causes misery – “Our identity is achieved (we are our own master independent of God), not received.” The TRUTH that sets us free – “Our identity is received (we are God’s child dependent on Him), not achieved.”

We have 2 options regarding our identity. We are IN Adam, or we are IN Christ – I Corinthians 15:45:

  • The first Adam forgot who he was – IN Adam all die.
  • The second Adam did NOT forget who he was – IN Christ, all shall be made alive.

Our identity is not based on what we do but rather on what Jesus has done for us.

When love, joy, or peace are missing from your life, it’s a clue that you are believing the Lie. Jesus came to reveal the Truth. As you follow His Truth, the lies that have held you hostage are revealed. As you replace those lies with the truth, love, joy, and peace abound!

A victim mentality keeps us paralyzed in our misery. Jesus can show us how to live a victorious life.

We are all on an equal playing field – equally loved by God and in equal need of a Savior. Understanding this concept frees you from believing that you are inferior OR superior in your relationship with others. Healthy relationships require mutual respect.

We all have a unique perspective formed from a combination of nature (how we are wired) and nurture (our experiences in life). Realizing this truth helps you learn how to listen so you can understand the other perspective.

When we feel safe, we stay engaged with our ears open. I can help you learn how to share your perspective in a non-threatening way so the other person will stay and hear what you have to say.

When we’re living in the right/wrong paradigm, someone needs to be “wrong.” If we live in the understanding-to-bless paradigm, no one needs to be “wrong.”

We are all “right” in that there is a reason (nature and nurture) for our perspective. We are all “wrong” in that we have a limited perspective. Jesus can enlighten our perspective, but we will never be God. Remembering this truth helps us live in the understanding-to-bless paradigm.

God loves us equally and knows our needs. As you learn how to trust Him, He can show you a solution where everyone feels heard and validated.

We tend to either hate the sinner with the sin or love the sin with the sinner. The Holy Spirit can help us separate the two and hate the sin while continuing to love the sinner.

  • If you love the sin, you are believing the Lie that sin is not destructive.
  • If you hate the sinner, you rob yourself of the joy and peace that accompanies love.

We respond to negative behavior in one of the following ways:

  • Passive – cower and allow yourself to be abused.
  • Reactive – fight back, demanding respect.
  • Proactive – a strong relationship with God will give you the confidence to respond in this much healthier way. You take control of the situation with a positive response to the other person’s negativity.

The Holy Spirit can help us set healthy boundaries so that our life doesn’t spin out of control.

  • I can’t do what you have asked of me, but I can help in this way.
  • Your happiness does not depend on what I do for you, just as my happiness does not depend on what you do for me.

The Holy Spirit helps us to be “wise as a serpent” but “gentle as a dove.”

  • You want to be wise so you can discern who is trustworthy and set healthy boundaries.
  • You want to be gentle and gracious with everyone.

Forgiveness is key to healthy relationships. Jesus put us “right” with God by redeeming our sins and making it clear that God has forgiven us and wants us to forgive ourselves. Below are seven steps towards that forgiveness.

  • Repent – be honest with God – He knows the truth anyway.
  • Ask for forgiveness from God and anyone else you have hurt.
  • Make amends if possible – fix the window if you broke it.
  • Learn from the mistake – try to figure out why you made that mistake – what lie were you believing?
  • Change your life – put something in your life to help you not make that same mistake again – set your alarm, so you don’t miss the appointment next time.
  • Use the memory of it to grow compassion for others who make mistakes.
  • Put the wrong in Jesus’ hands to take it from there (to redeem your sin), so you can move forward.

Recognizing how much God has forgiven us can help us forgive others.

  • Parable of the Unforgiving Servant – Matthew 18:21-35
  • Injustice makes it hard to forgive – we think they’re getting away with something if we forgive them. Remember that the injustice was ultimately done to God, so you can release the offender to God and let the offense go.
  • Separating the sin from the sinner also helps us forgive. When we forgive, we are not saying that the sin was alright. We continue to hate the sin while forgiving the sinner.
  • Forgiveness also does not mean that we have to keep putting ourselves in harm’s way. Setting healthier boundaries does not mean we haven’t forgiven someone.

Learn how to trust Jesus to heal your wounds.

  • Evil in the world has wounded you.
  • People in your life have wounded you.
  • You have self-inflicted wounds.

“Regret” (the past) and “Worry” (the future) are places you don’t want to be. Jesus can help you live in the “Present” moment where you can celebrate life!

Understanding the truth of “already but not yet” helps us live a victorious life recognizing that Jesus has “already” won the war against evil even though evil is “not yet” completely vanquished.

Jesus put you on God’s team, and no one can kick you off. However, whether you sit on the bench or get out there and play, is entirely up to you.

Law does the crushing work – points out what we’re doing wrong – points out our need for God and His healing touch. Grace does the curing work – God’s unconditional love heals the wounds that cause our unrighteousness.

Pray with confidence.

  • “Thank you, Jesus,” shows your confidence that Jesus has already won the victory, made us whole, solved the problem, and answered your prayer.
  • “Please, dear God” can represent a fear that God might not have your best interest at heart.
It’s All About Relationships